…Privilege: A Reader, and already the very first essay was on the spot for me in so many ways. ‘Oppression’, a piece written by Marilyn Frye, attempts to define what oppression really is and isn’t, and how small acts that we usually don’t acknowledge as oppression contribute to it in the larger picture.

Now, one of the examples she uses is that of men opening doors for women. This has always been something that has bothered me; I never understood why this was supposed to be a sign of respect. Frye shows in her example that men opening doors for women is often false helpfulness; especially when, as she says,

Infirm men and men burdened with packages will open doors for able bodied women who are free of physical burdens. Men will impose themselves awkwardly and jostle everyone in order to get to the door first. The act is not determined by convenience or grace.

In fact, she makes an excellent point when she states that although men who do this claim to be showing respect and being helpful, when really, this occurs as a ” counterpoint to a pattern of men not being helpful in many practical ways in which women might welcome help.” Indeed, the small things such as opening doors and the concept of “ladies first” provides a way for men to claim that they are being helpful and respectful, when really there was no need; and then resting on these ‘laurels’ whenever women really could use their help, and men refuse to provide it. Finally, there is the commonly argued point that

the door-opening and similar services provided are services which really are needed by people who are for one reason or another incapacitated – unwell, burdened with parcels, etc. So the message is that women are incapable. The detachment of the acts from the concrete realities of what women need and do not need is a vehicle for the message that women’s actual needs and interests are unimportant or irrelevant.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that opening doors for others in itself is disrespectful or oppressive. But if you’re saying that opening doors for women is showing respect, then why are you showing respect only for women? Doesn’t this imply that you feel the need to show special respect for women because you think they are inferior/ oppressed/ weaker? Do you just want to get in their pants? Or do you have less respect for other people? (yeah right)

You want to open doors? Fine. But do it for everyone, or only for those who actually need it. If you want to show that you respect me, respect my ability to handle my own life and open my own doors. Or do it to be nice, not because I’m a woman and you think you’re being a gentleman.

I open doors for people all the time, and I can’t even count the number of times that men have given me odd looks or surprised comments about my opening the door for them, rather than vice versa. I open doors indiscriminately, because I do it as a kind gesture for everyone. Of course, I will be more eager to do so if it is for a person who is, for one reason or another, incapable of doing it him/herself, but the point is: ‘help’ directed specifically at one oppressed class in something that they can do perfectly well themselves, especially when it coincides with lack of help in things they do need, always has the underlying message that they are, in fact, not respected. Indeed, it is almost a form of mockery: ‘look, honey, I’m so respectful I’ll open the door for you, but I won’t help you do the dishes, fight for equal pay, stop slut-shaming or cat-calling, and if you’d take care of the kids too that’d be just swell.’

I know we say the devil is in the details, but sometimes, it’s really the larger picture that counts.