Having worked in customer service more or less since I began working, I can attest to the interesting dynamics of power and privilege that are revealed during my work. The already low status of this work is exacerbated by the fact that I work in very unskilled, low-wage, fast food jobs. Therefore, I am expected to be a submissive, passive, and subservient being in dealing with customers.

These dynamics become even more interesting when sexism comes into play. As a woman, I am already expected to be pretty submissive: I’m not supposed to be loud, I’m supposed to smile and flirt and be extra nice, and I’m supposed to look pretty. These expectations matter both at work and outside of work, though at work, they are compounded by my position as a low-status worker. Unfortunately, the other women I work with are also exposed to the same expectations.

*Trigger warning: The following content may be triggering to some.*
Today at work, one of the shift leaders, Liz, was trying to unscrew a small door that acts as a clamp for the cream dispenser. She was having some difficulty turning the screw, so she lifted up her shirt to use her shirt to grip the screw more tightly. I was dealing with a customer at the counter—an older, rather unkempt man, who had his eyes glued on Liz. As soon as she lifted her shirt, the weird comments started coming out. I missed the first half of what he said, but I heard Liz apologizing and laughing a bit about having lifted up her shirt, and the man said, “Well at this age, I’ll take whatever I can get!”

Liz was very shaken up about the whole thing. She told me that he had been making sexual comments about her because she had lifted up her shirt and revealed her midriff, and then he had implied that she was not attractive because he’d take whatever he could get. “I don’t really care, because I know I’m hot,” Liz said, “but I think that was really out of line.”

And it was. What made this man think it was okay to make sexual comments to a young woman’s face in a public place—perhaps, even worse, where she works?

Of course, part of it is the privilege this man has as a presumably cisgendered, heterosexual male. He is allowed to gaze upon women however he wants; it is his “right” as a man. Just like the man who thinks it’s okay to fondle a woman on a crowded train, this man thought it was okay to sexually harass a young woman in her workplace.

The situation was exacerbated, though, by the fact that Liz was in another position of subordination: that of customer service representative. Any company that deals with customer service runs its business on the idea that “the customer is always right.” Even when the customer is truly misinformed, incredibly stupid, or otherwise just plain wrong, whoever is serving that customer must “suck it up” or risk losing her job. So perhaps for this man, it was not just that Liz is a woman and therefore it is okay to make demeaning comments about her. It may also have been that Liz was in a position that required her to submit to the customers’ wishes. And this customer wished to make gross comments about her body and about his own sexual desires.

I don’t think that the customer service environment is very conducive to creating an equal society. Customers have come into my workplace with the clear intention to express their power and dominance over me as the worker. People make ridiculous demands, create huge messes, and throw temper tantrums all in an attempt to show me that they are in the position of power. No matter how good my customer service is, some people simply want to go on some sort of a power trip. And when it comes to the sorts of places where I have worked, people also come in with a number of sweeping preconceptions about the kinds of people who work there. We are poor, unintelligent, unmotivated, possibly illiterate, probably people of color or, if not, then we are “white trash,” and we are most likely young. We become even more powerless and submissive as a result of these stereotypes.

Sometimes I wonder if customers who come in only to make our lives miserable and “dominate” us feel dominated and overpowered in their personal lives. Some of the most demanding and angriest customers happen to be women. I sometimes wonder if they come in to our store, feeling powerless in their personal lives, and try to gain some sense of power and control by making ridiculous demands and treating us poorly when we cannot meet them. I can certainly see where they are coming from—though I can’t really say it makes my job easier.

And in the case of the man making comments at Liz, I just get even more depressed about the state of our society. Why it is okay to treat women that way? Why is it okay to treat people who are just trying to work at their jobs like that? We can guess at the numerous reasons, but that still does not make this kind of treatment right—even if it is more or less socially acceptable.

…Privilege: A Reader, and already the very first essay was on the spot for me in so many ways. ‘Oppression’, a piece written by Marilyn Frye, attempts to define what oppression really is and isn’t, and how small acts that we usually don’t acknowledge as oppression contribute to it in the larger picture.

Now, one of the examples she uses is that of men opening doors for women. This has always been something that has bothered me; I never understood why this was supposed to be a sign of respect. Frye shows in her example that men opening doors for women is often false helpfulness; especially when, as she says,

Infirm men and men burdened with packages will open doors for able bodied women who are free of physical burdens. Men will impose themselves awkwardly and jostle everyone in order to get to the door first. The act is not determined by convenience or grace.

In fact, she makes an excellent point when she states that although men who do this claim to be showing respect and being helpful, when really, this occurs as a ” counterpoint to a pattern of men not being helpful in many practical ways in which women might welcome help.” Indeed, the small things such as opening doors and the concept of “ladies first” provides a way for men to claim that they are being helpful and respectful, when really there was no need; and then resting on these ‘laurels’ whenever women really could use their help, and men refuse to provide it. Finally, there is the commonly argued point that

the door-opening and similar services provided are services which really are needed by people who are for one reason or another incapacitated – unwell, burdened with parcels, etc. So the message is that women are incapable. The detachment of the acts from the concrete realities of what women need and do not need is a vehicle for the message that women’s actual needs and interests are unimportant or irrelevant.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that opening doors for others in itself is disrespectful or oppressive. But if you’re saying that opening doors for women is showing respect, then why are you showing respect only for women? Doesn’t this imply that you feel the need to show special respect for women because you think they are inferior/ oppressed/ weaker? Do you just want to get in their pants? Or do you have less respect for other people? (yeah right)

You want to open doors? Fine. But do it for everyone, or only for those who actually need it. If you want to show that you respect me, respect my ability to handle my own life and open my own doors. Or do it to be nice, not because I’m a woman and you think you’re being a gentleman.

I open doors for people all the time, and I can’t even count the number of times that men have given me odd looks or surprised comments about my opening the door for them, rather than vice versa. I open doors indiscriminately, because I do it as a kind gesture for everyone. Of course, I will be more eager to do so if it is for a person who is, for one reason or another, incapable of doing it him/herself, but the point is: ‘help’ directed specifically at one oppressed class in something that they can do perfectly well themselves, especially when it coincides with lack of help in things they do need, always has the underlying message that they are, in fact, not respected. Indeed, it is almost a form of mockery: ‘look, honey, I’m so respectful I’ll open the door for you, but I won’t help you do the dishes, fight for equal pay, stop slut-shaming or cat-calling, and if you’d take care of the kids too that’d be just swell.’

I know we say the devil is in the details, but sometimes, it’s really the larger picture that counts.